What If A Woman...

I'm Here Listening To Joe Thomas "What If A Woman" This Song Has So Many Qustions I Wish Men Could Answer. At The Moment, I Am Feeling So Un-Appreciated And Not Welcome In My Own House.

What If A Woman Started Wearing The Pants? Would You Feel Less Of A Man??Never Wanna Settle Down. Always Wanna Run Around On The Low.

I Work My Ass Off To Provide For The Little Family I Have Now. I Dont Like To Wake Up At 8:15 Every Morning To Sit At A Desk For $8 An Hour, But I Have To. I Might Not Cook And Clean Like A Woman Should, But I Do My Best To Provide...

What If A Woman Had A Man On The Side And She Never Spent Time With You.

I Feel As If I Dont Know Who He Is Anymore, Nor Do I Know Who I Am. I Wonder If The Tables Were To Turn If He Would Be By My Side Through It All. If I Had No Job... If I Had No Money. If I Had No Education. If I Had No Ambition. If I Had A Child From Someone He Disliked.

What If A Woman, Left You Home With The Kids. Changing Diapers And Shit. What A Twist.

Listening To This Song Makes Me Feel As If I Should Flip The Script And Show Him How He Acts With Me... Whether Or Not It Works, Im Not Sure; But Its Sure Worth A Try. I Just Wanna Feel Like Im Loved And Appreciated Not Only For My MONEY, But For My Love And The Fact That Im Trying To Provide.....

If The Cards You Were Dealt Were To Change, Would You Let Your Hand Go Up In Flames?

Walking On Eggshells

I Come Home And You're Fine.
We Speak Of 2 Sentenctes And Youre Losing Your Mind.
We Can No Longer Interact As

Friends, Roommates, Or A Couple.

It's As If Im An Unwanted House Guest That You Can't Get Enough Courage
To Tell To Leave.

I Am Walking On Cloud Nine When You Kiss Me,
But More Often Than That I Am

Walking On Eggshells

. Never Knew I Would Be
A Burden In My Own House. The Look You Give To Me, Is One Of Disgust and Utter Hatred. At Times I Force Myself To Stay; Where As I Should Want To.

When I Walk In The Door It's As If Your Day Has Just Gotten To It's Absolute Worst. I Know At Times I Pick A Fight, But What Fight Do I Pick When I Come Home From Work. It's Always Questions Of

"Did You Date Him?" or "How Could You Do This To Me?"

Why Cant It Ever Be Questions Of

"How Was Your Day?" or "You Wanna Watch A Movie."

I Would Rather Be Walking On Cloud Nine With A Smile On My Face And Your Hand In Mine. Instead I Come Home To Floors Filled With Eggshells And Shattered Glass. Forced To Walk These Floors With Broken Memories And Almost Broken Knuckles.

To Walk On Eggshells Is To Allow Yourself Not To Speak Up For Yourself. So The Next Time I Get Home From Work; I Will Walk Straight To The Kitchen And Pick Up That Old Broom And Sweep Up All These Eggshells And Shards Of Broken Glass, And Ask Myself,

"Sahara, Is It This Really How You Wanna Live."

Truthfully.Speaking.

I Am A Girl With Ambition And Goals. I Feel That Some People Might Underestimate Me. Or Even Despite Me For Making It So Far. Just A Couple Of Days Ago I Was Told, "Sweetie, You Have A Good Personality, But The Only Thing You Got Going For You Is Your Body, And Even With That Your Mouth Ruins It." Wow. I Was Also Told, "You Act Like A Bitch." "Youre Stuck Up." I've Heard It All Before But It Still Hurts. Am I Stuck Up? Am I A Bitch?

I Took What People Have Said To The Heart Too Many Times. I Am A Grown Woman. Why Should I Let What They Say Bother Me? I Am Here To Say That No Longer Will I Subject Myself To Your Thoughtless Words. I Am Who I Am With No Regrets Or Restraints. I Am Sahara Howard. Take It Or Leave. Love It Or Hate It.

Ima Leave You With This. Some People Might Not Like You. You Might Not Mesh Well With Their Personality. But Never Let Yourself Drop To Their Level. Keep Your Head Held High && Earn Their Respect.

Loves,
Sahara

Written By A Friend

This Was Written For Me By One Of My Friends...

Unexpectadly she entered my life.
She took more than just my order that night.
A few smiles, a few laughs, she made me wonder.
Deliciouse looking she started my hunger.
A quick taste is all i need.
I hope I never awake from this dream.
Her name is magnificant as the place it stands for.
Her body undisturbed.
Im just an archeoligst awaiting his turn.
Le me wander in your vastness.
Let me get lost in your sands.....SAHARA

I Love It. It Was Sweet Of Him To Write This For Me.

Denial

I'm Sitting Here Thinkin Of My Purpose Here.
Is It To Make You Feel Like A Man; Make You
Feel As If You Belong? Why Should I Subject
Myself To Your World? To A Place That ShunnedMe Away When I Was Only Lookin For Someone
To Befriend Me. The Darkness OverwhelmsMy Eyes And Forces Them To Release An Emotion That
Has Never Surfaced In Me. I Am In Denial. I Feel As
If Those 3 Words Are For Your Ego Instead Of My
Heart. My Emotions Are Being Forced Out Of Me
With No Permission. You Had Me In A Trance For
Longer Than I Should Have Allowed. He Tried To
Break The Barrier, But I Let You Control That
Situation. I Am Confused And I Never Thought
This Could Happen To Me Once Again. I Forced
Out Any Thought Of Anyone Else But You. The
More I Tried To Deny It, The More I Denied Myself.Now Apart Of Him And Him A Part Of Me, It's Plain
As Day To See. You And I Were Pushed Together.
We Were Never Meant To Be

I Was Bored And Just Let My Fingers Type Something...

Fill My Void

You re The Solidarity That I Need To Have.
You Stretch Your Arms Out To Me
And I Feel The Warmth Of Your
Love. I Can Feel The Blood That
Runs Through Your Veins For It
Run Through Me Too. We Are As One
Now And Will Forever Grasp On To
The Love That We Have.
I Rest My Head On Your Chest
Just To Hear The Beat
Of The Heart That Keeps Me
Alive And Sane...
Everything I Need And Want
Stands Right In My Face.
I Reach Out To Pull
You Into My Arms,
And The Image Is Just
A Facade. I Wipe My Eyes
And Hope That You Will
Still Remain In Front
Of Me, But You're Gone.
You Were Just A Figment
Of My Imagination. I Forced
You Into A Place In My
Mind. I Made You Fit The
Hollow Territory
Of My Mind.
I Pause In Pure Hysteria And
Confusion.
You Were Only
A Prisoner In My Mind; You
Were Never My Reality.
My Eyes Are Sheltered By
The Nu Light That Had
Come Into My Life.
You're Just A Distant Memory... More Like A Dream
You Were Never Real But Oh, So Fake.
I No Longer Want To Speak These Words; They
Are Like Daggers To My Heart.
I Knew You Were
A Mirage From The Very Start.

420 Miles Later....

Im Am Back In Artesia New Mexico. Its Like My Life Is Back In My Hands. I Miss Kansas And My Friends That I Have Made. I Wish I Could Have Boths Worlds. I Want An Equal Place That I Can Call Home. Being Back In Artesia Is What Ive Needed For A While. It Put Everything Into View For Me... But At The Same Time Is Was Like My Absense Was What Some Needed Or Wanted.... When I Was In Kansas Some People Wanted To Act Like I Never Existed.... Some Can Say That I Have Changed And This Is True.. I Left Half Of Myself In Liberal. Some Say Its Only 3 Months But It's 3 Months Away From A Life That I Had For 9 Months. Away From People That Became My Family... But 90 Days And 420 Miles Later... I Will Be Back In My Comfort Zone...

BJ The Chicago Kid - Make It Right

Im Sitting Here In Jess' Room Listening To Another Song She Told Me To Listen To. It's Called Make It Right By BJ The Chicago Kid... Im At A Loss Of Words Once Again. It's Making Me Think About Things That I Dont Want To Think About.

The Words Hit Home In So Many Ways... I Wish This Song Could Actually Make It Right, But I Doubt It Could. I Wish He Could Just Kiss Me And Make It Right..

"Lets Make Love One More Time. Tonight We Can Make It Right."

Just Listening To This Song Makes Me Re-Think Everything I Once Knew. I'm Leaving Liberal In A Week Or So And It's Gonna Be A Long Summer Just Not Knowing What To Expect Next Year From This Situation.

My Mom Has Told Me To Use My Best Judgement And To Follow My Heart. But My Heart Is "Not In The Right Places, But Soon Will Be In The Right Hands." I'm Still Denying The Feelings That I Dont Want To Aknowledge. Maybe Me Leaving Is What Is Best For The Both Of Us. I Will Tell Him Good Bye And Shed The Tears Of Defeat And Love.

But Before I Leave I WIll Tell Him, "Let's Make Love One More Time. Baby Tonight We Can Make It Right."

Back To What You Know

I don't know where to beginFighting a war I cant winFighting a memorySomething that used to beNo matter how hard I fightAll of my strength and my mightKeeps defeating meIt just keeps defeating me. [Ne-yo]

Okay I'm here in the computer lab listening to Ne-yo Back To What You Know... Wow What Can I Say Jess Told Me About This Song And I'm Totally In Love With It, But At The Same Time I Dont Wanna Face The Truth Within The Words.

Go back to what you knowGo back to where you know your heart isGirl, just be honest (this is impossible)This is impossibleWe'll never work if you don't want itGirl, you belong with him, so go back to what you know[Ne-yo]

I Think I'm conflicted with how i feel. I Dont know what to think, say, do, or feel. I'm so silent it's as if my mind and soul are dead and my body is lifeless. I dont wanna feel as if i used him in anyw way because thats not the turth.

And if that's really what you wantI will not stand in your wayYou wanna be freeI will let you beI'd rather you happyThen miserable with meBack to what you know. [Ne-yo]

Me and Jess have said Ne-yo Is Like Relationship Jesus... And This is True. Everything Im Going Through He Knows How To Say How I FEEL. Right Now my mind is cluttered and overflowing with emotions and memories.

I hope he doesnt take this the wrong way... but i have to rid my life of him... the words came too fast with the territory. i meant it i did.. but..... I GOTTA GO BACK TO WHAT I KNOW.

Blinded Eyes

Her Soul Is Cracked, But Only Her Mind Is Paralyzed. Never Noticing What Her Surroundings Are Made Of. Her Hands Blind Her Eyes With Selfishness. Excuses Flood Her Mouth Like Saliva. Segregation Overwhelms Her Life && Leaves Her Isolated. Her Errors In Life Go Undisturbed; Only To Build A House Of Lies That Will Soon Be Burnt Down. Her Faults Now Become Her Insecurities. The Zero Hour Of Her Life Is About To Occur. Her Selfishness Turns Into Misery. Her Life Is No Longer A Promotion Of Herself. She Is A Terrorist To Her Own Life. She Will Soon Experience The Wrath Of Her Heart. Tears Fall && Egos Burst. The Storm Is Over. Now A Part Of The World, She Is Back Down On Earth. She Is No Longer Self-Absorbed Nor A Ruthless Human Being. Her Eyes Are No Longer Blinded; She Is Now Seeing.

Motives Of A Man.

I Took What You Said With No Second Thoughts.
You Drained Every Last Emotion Out Of Me; Now I'm Life-Less.
I Told You You Were Different, But You're Still Like The Rest.
You're Nothing To Me. You're Dead To Me I'm Sorry To Confess.
It's Sad To Say That You Knew Me More Than Anyone Else,
But Now Nothing Has Come Of This So-Called "Relationship."
You Said "I Love You Cutie" Followed By A Kiss On The Forehead.
I Wish I Could Say That Tonight Not One Tear Was Shed.
No Longer The Sweet Caring Person, But Now A Deceitful SELFISH "Man"
I Was Made To Believe That I Was The One.
I Took The Blows From Everyone That Put You Down.
My Heart Along With My Emotions Are Bruies And Battered.
I Have Come To Realize It Was Only You, Not Me, That Really Mattered.
I Told Myself Never Again Would I Fall For These Lines And Tricks.
But Hey It's True Guys Dont Think With Their Hearts Just Their D---s.

Skip Our Start

You Have Me Lost In A World That No Longer Understands My Feelings Or My Thoughts. I Try My Hardest To Put Into Words How I Feel And All I Recieve Is Anger And Questioning. I Love You And I Want You To Feel The Same. You Say You Do But Your Actions Shun Me From Your World As If I Were A Felon. I Wish I Never Subjected Myself To You And Let My Wall Crumble With Every Word You Said. I Am Trying To Stay As Positive As I Can Without You But I Long For You More Than The Blood That Flows Through My Veins. Without You I Can Feel This Love Thing Disappear Without My Permission. Never Did I Believe That You Would Have This Hold On My Heart && Soul. I Wish From The Bottom Of My Heart That This Never Went As Far As It Did, But I Cant Help The Way I Feel Nor Will I Try To Deny It Either. Youre The Love Of My Life, But I Need You To Leave Before I Get More Involved. I No Longer Want To Go On Defending A Love That You Want Noting To Do With. Go, Please; I Insist. Help Me Salvage The Lil Bit Of Me That I Have Left. Leave And Keep Your Distance From My Shatter'd Heart. If It Were Up To Be I Would Go Back And Skip Our Start.

Ghost Among The Living

Her Face Is Shadowed By Hate And Darkness. Never Feeling As If She Existed With The Rest Of The World. A Ghost Among The Living. Her Soul Is Broken; Never To Be Replaced Again. She Walks On The Street Face Down. Never Does She See A Welcoming Face. Whispers Linger In The Air & Rumors Fly. She Knows She's Far From Perfect. Her Life Hasn't Felt Complete. She Wakes Up Disconnected From The Universe That Once Accepted Her And Her Thoughts. Her Eyes Are Sheltered By Hands That Previously Gripped Her In Their Grasp. Her Heart Is Masked By A Stone Cold Exterior Which Has Been Shattered Over & Again. It's As If She's Searching In The Night For Someone To Befriend. The Gates Of Heaven Have Opened Up To Her & Welcomed Her In When No One Else Would. At This Moment Something Happened That Never Should. Now She Is Safe & In Total Serenity. She Is No Longer A Ghost Among The Living; It's As If She Lost Everything About Her Identity.

She's Scared To Death

she's scared to death that a night of fun will turn into her worse nightmare. she doesn’t want his life to end. what he is doing is just a senseless trend. the bottle must be surgically removed from his hand.
this worthless habit he has developed, she can’t stand. he has his whole life ahead of him and so much more. the life he is living is too hard core. he must slow down and watch the steps he makes.
without the bottle, his hands nervously shakes. he has built up a tolerance that is hard to break down. his sorrows he tries to drown. she is scared to death that her night of fun will into her worse nightmare.
how does she arise this subject to him. she doesn’t want to seem too pushy and scare him away. she doesn’t just want to turn and walk away. there would be too many things left to say.
he is slowly letting his body deteriorate.
she watches as if she is a witness to a suicide. nothing left for her to do.
she begs on her knees for him to stop. tears down her face her hands around his ankles.
she pleads with him to just give it up but it's too late.
His destiny has been set and so has his fate. he looks at her with tear-filled eyes. it was as if he was standing in a crowed room and was screaming at the stop of his lungs.
she's scared to death that a night of fun will turn into her worse nightmare.
her nightmare is now reality. standing over a body bag trying to identify his face.
shrieks sound throughout the room as she knows who this is.
her heart breaks and reality hits her strong when she grabs a seat.
her life is over just and much as his when they drape over that white sheet.

Robert Sigala:Strongest Man I Know

We dont know how fast life can end. we are at times selfish and oblivious to death and those who surround our lives. we must slow down and thank the lord, he who which gave us this breathe. we need no longer be selfish. reach out a hand and your heart to those you care for. We must no longer focus on the material, but that of mortal. Life is never a promise but, yet, a privilege. lets stop and hug those who we care for. lets stop and take the time to say the 3 small word which influence our lives so greatly. be thankful and HUMBLED by your life. when you think your life is so off track... think to yourself. things could always be worse. My heart goes out to Robert Sigala and his family. His family has been through so much in this last month. my heart breaks to think of this. my prayers and condolences are with them. slow down your busy life and smell the flowers, because today is not always promised and tomorrow is not always given.
Love is Love,
Sahara I Love You Robert!

Dazed In Confusion

Lost with no train of thought. I run around looking for a way out of this dream. There is no where for me to go. I stop and sit down to catch by breathe. My mind jumps from one subject leaving me on a path of dirt. I collect myself and wipe my face clean of guilt and love. Im dazed in confusion with my heart breaking and fluttering at the same time. I know i love him and i know my feeling for you are true and immortal. Am i just being factitious or needy? I look for ways to make this right nothing comes to mind. I love you along with him. Never thought i would be stuck between two guys that are both perfect for me. I'm dazed in confusion. I see you as my only way out. Love fills my eyes with tears, but the truth reveals that being in love with you in one of my greatest fears.

Unfaithful

I know i should not think these things nor act upon them. But he has my heart in his grip. I try to rid myself of this selfish disease. i cant seem to focus on anything but my next fix. Infatuation and lust consume my body. Lies run through my veins as if they are blood in which that keeps me alive. My deceitful actions now become who i am. Never feeling any sense of remorse just satisfaction. i know my heart isnt in the right places, but soon will be in the right hands. I am wrong without a doubt but i dont mind. i lurk around as if i am a burglar of hearts. As it has been said before "all is fair in love and war."